The Aristocrats

I saw the Aristocrats this weekend (I'll write about the improv festival a little later, when I've had time to gather my thoughts), and I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at a movie theatre. Wait, yes I can. Anchorman.

But when I was watching Anchorman, I didn't see three people walk out. Aristocrats, yes. I'm not sure what those people thought they were going to see, but I can't really fault them too much. I expected raunchy, I expected offensive material - I've spent enough time in the comedy world to know that things can get a little blue after the audience goes home.

This was a whole other stratosphere.

So if I were a civilian, and was sitting there watching some of my favourite sitcom comedians, or Late Night Couch kings waxing poetic on scatological references and incest... I think my head would explode too.

Most people, though, went along for the ridiculous ride, accepting it for what it was. Damn funny. Unapologetically so.

So on an improv bulletin board, someone suggested writing how we think various people would tell this joke - and mentioned the cleanest comic in the biz. Bob Newhart.

Give me a moment to turn around, muss up my hair, tug at my collar. Here is my impression.

The Aristocrats, as I think Bob Newhart would perform it:

(telephone rings)

He... hello, uh, Bannerman Talent Agency...

Um. Ye-yes. This is Mr. Bannerman.

Oh, you have an act you'd, you'd like me to.. to represent? Oh-ok.
Can you describe it to me?

Ah, I see. A family act.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, they what? Oh. So the clothes come right off...

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Well I'm not sure the stage manager would want... want you to smear that everywh...

Ok. I see.

I'm sorry, you said three donkeys? Ok.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Oh dear. Uh, how... how old is your daughter?

Uh huh. And she already knows how... how to...

That's not the best part? Ok. What... what is the best part?

Oh dear. Are you sure that's... um... physically possible?

You... you do it all the time. Sometimes with fire.

Well. Well that is ah... um... a very, a very interesting act. Out of curiosity, what do you call yourselves?

The... the Aristocrats. I see. Well, thanks for calling, but I specialize in entertainment for children's parties.

Uh huh.

Oh, you have another act?

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

I'm... I'm going to stop you right there. You're describing the same act.

Ye... Yes you are.

Ok then. What makes it diff... you were just getting to it... ok.

Uh huh. Balloon animals. I see.

Well, I still don't... don't think your act is right for us, but thanks for your time. It's been very... uh... very interesting, and good luck with... with your careers.

What? You... you are willing to change the act if I, if I have a suggestion...

Um... I think maybe if you didn't um... have relations with your... with your daughter... while she was... um... servicing the donkeys....

Uh huh... Oh. I didn't, I didn't realize that was... that was the heart of the piece...

No, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to question your artistic in-integrity.

You... you're right. It's probably better if... if I see it myself...

Ok, see you tomorrow at 3.

What? Wear a raincoat? Alright, thanks for the... for the tip.

See you tomorrow. Buh bye.